3⭐

i started this book absolutely amazed by how bold and fiery it was. honestly, at first, the setup felt a bit logically off to me, and i had my hesitations about how things were playing out. but as the story progressed, it really tested my sanity, values and morals. i kept thinking to myself that i would never want to be in their situation nor would i ever want to love someone like Chaos. both leads were just straight-up hellish and chaotic. yet, despite their contrasting personalities, their dynamics somehow intertwined perfectly.

moving forward, i thought everything was just naturally going smoothly—until the plot twist hit. i was so confused like 𝘸𝘵𝘧 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸? but once it was explained that everything tied back to Chaos’ trigger, i was left completely speechless and dumbfounded fr. i was so amazed by how seamlessly it was written i didn’t even realize that was the main catalyst even though the author dropped subtle hints beforehand 😭

they bonded and became inseparable, making up for all the lost time. but nothing is permanent. the trigger pulled up again, and this time, the fallout affected not just him, but their relationship and everyone around them. it was so heavy and painful. it reached a point where only Chaos alone could resolve it in his own way—even if it meant leaving everyone behind.

Hell is usually this hotshot woman who can grab whatever she wants without a single doubt, but when it comes to him, she changes. she becomes fragile, willing to settle for whatever he can give. and waiting for years is no joke. in contrast to Chaos’ choice to leave for his healing and protect the woman he loves, Hell showed that sometimes, waiting is better than leaving. in short—she was content, even if it was hurting her.

learning about Chaos’ depth made me realize… 𝘩𝘮𝘮𝘮, 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨? 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘺, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘺… 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘐’𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘰𝘴. he is the type of man who has massive flaws, but that doesn’t take away from how good of a person he is. his trauma and sickness don’t make me look at him as less of a person; if anything, it makes him feel more human and real. someone who’s deserving of love and to be loved. that’s why i believe that leaving everyone behind to heal was the best and only option he had. there’s no point in throwing his choices back in his face because honestly, it won’t help. let him heal. let him be selfless if he wants to. let him understand himself.

when Chaos left, Hell became a chaotic mess. enter Erwan, who became her “home” when she was completely wrecked. he was loving and amazing—a total eye-opener for her that sometimes, love should actually give you the peace you deserve, leaving the worries aside and bringing infinite happiness.

everything was finally going well until the unanswered questions, confusion, and reckoning crept back in. look, i love Chaos and Hell fr, but it pissed me the fuck off when they decided to defy their morals. they defied everything and set aside the feelings of the people around them just to satisfy their own desires. was it love? SURE. was it right at that time? HELL FUCKING NO. glad that Hell’s cousins were real enough to call them out and point out how fucked up their decisions were. maling-mali talaga kahit saang anggulo tignan. that’s when i know who i sympathize with, and it’s not w them.

as for the flow of the story, i’d say it’s smooth but definitely has bumps in certain scenes. just like what Hell said, stressful and chaotic nga talaga sila. it felt so real because aside from the heartbreak, i was getting frustrated. there was uncertainty and indecision. likeee, ano ba talaga ang final decision para makapag-settle na ang lahat??? u can choose to settle, but the emotional weight remains heavy because u can feel that something deep inside is still lacking. and that’s the fcking truth.

the last few chapters before the ending were deeply saddening. i felt every emotion. it was sad because the essence of sacrifice never truly go away, but i was happy that through everything, the trigger ended up becoming the cure for the chaos. the things that were put on hold weren’t lost or replaced—they were just built upon with even more core memories.

anddd i just know that living with the reality of who they are is so much better than living in a reality that doesn’t even exist.